Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
