Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
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