Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
