That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
