I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
