tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You pole danced in your parka.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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