After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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