So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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