im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
