I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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