Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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