Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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