you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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