So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
