There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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