Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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