mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
