You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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