I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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