We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
