Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
