Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
