I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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