i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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