I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
