the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
