we're chasing vodka with high fives
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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