I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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