Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
