saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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