Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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