How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
