So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
