I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
