totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
