why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
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