It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
