I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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