Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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