Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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