Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
