just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We are all done wearing pants today
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
