there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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