I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
