meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
