I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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