so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
