So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
