And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
