can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize