I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
