Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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