I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
