his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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