yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
