xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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