I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize