I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Randomize
