I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
