well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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