Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
