Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
