i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
