You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
