my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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