Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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