I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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