I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
